Depression Mode

This posting’s meant to be a first, a first written during a period of depression. One that’ll show my true feelings, one to show my weaknesses, one to show that I’m not all the time good-natured (a misconception of some of my friends), one ring to bring them and in the darkness bind them in the lands of Mordor… (oops, that’s from the Lord of the Rings, sorry).

Anyway, I can’t pinpoint the actual source of my depression, I’ve lost the enthusiasm to fight the jungle battle, my mind has been wandering farther and farther away (to Nepal, Tibet, and beyond), my mood has been brooding dark, my patience is wearing thin, I’ve kinda adopted the ‘come what may’ attitude, what the hell is wrong with me? Here’re some of the things I attribute my depression to: -

No 1 (but not foremost) – the advent of our company’s ‘communist’ leader of Haulawng Site aka Chairman Mao Tse Toh (name changed to maintain anonymity) and the great changes he’s done to bust (NOT boost, mind you) the morale of the site organization by introducing innovative measures to save money such as delaying staff’s salaries and cutting electricity from 11pm to 5am, besides complaining about everything everyone’s done everyday, questioning and overturning decisions made by yours truly (hey, I have an ego problem too, ok?), emphasizing again and again that he’s in-charge (as opposed to yours truly), complaining and implying that everyone else’s management skills suck when compared to our one and only venerable ‘communist’ leader, boasting about his achievements (everyday, till he was told off, by who else but yours truly, ahem), taking away my responsibilities from major areas (which truthfully, made me quite happy, until the other bosses came and screwed me about them, “hey, that’s not my job anymore, k?”), shirking off the responsibilities for things gone wrong because of his decisions (yeah, almighty ‘communist’ leader can’t do no wrong, you know?), yadda yadda yadda (see I can bitch too huh, feels good, I hope the company doesn’t see this).

No 2 – the incessant rain and gloomy weather everyday, who wants to be stuck in a place like that for days on end huh? Real mood damper! Besides creating multiple landslides which our ‘communist’ leader adamantly refused to clear in the beginning (because of contractual implications). He later broadcasted to everyone that he has been the prime mover for clearing landslides (yeah, my foot!) This is fun, writing about him, can’t get enough of it!

No 3 – the bloody mess that our semi-constructed road has become (due to rain and landslides) and we call ourselves Road Builder!

No 4 – THE DRYING UP OF FUNDS (need I elaborate?) No money, no honey, man.

No 5 – the drying up of diesel (and almost everything in Haulawng, including our power supply, runs on diesel, albeit ‘slightly’ adulterated diesel in our case, yeah never mind that it’s a mix of 50% diesel and 50% kerosene, or 40% diesel / 60% kerosene, or whatever mix it comes in, never mind that kerosene f**ks up all the engines big time, as long as there’s something to burn, right? …But even that, we don’t have)

No 6 – the appearance of a new boss, …err no wait, two new bosses, err no, let’s go back to one, why don’t we have 3 instead, hey since we’re already at it, let’s have 4 new bosses, the more the merrier huh, and let’s shift the operations to Haulawng, …no wait, shift it back to Aizawl, no, let’s split the whole damn thing up, divide and conquer!

No 7 – Sid Meier’s Civilization 4, a birthday present from my beloved brother, a turn-based computer game where you can stop play at anytime and continue later, yeah just a bit later, just a little while more ok, …bloody hell! it’s 2 bloody am! shit, gotta wake up at 5!

No 8 (last but not least) – Naruto, chapters 1 to 100 to be more exact, the cute Japanese anime series to keep me sane during the non-workable monsoon season in Mizoram. If only the producers stop trying to lengthen the series by making 4 chapters for what they can show in 1, and why do they always end the chapters when it is at its most exciting? Anyway, it’s only about 20 minutes per chapter, yeah still early, just two more chapters ok? Err, ok, one more, err… bloody shit, can the Hokage defeat Orochimaru? Just another one, f##**#g 1 bloody am! If only I could Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!!!

What’s gonna happen to me? Beats me… an employee with THIS type of attitude!?!? Is this just a temporary phase?? Can I snap out of it? Will the Company forgive me??... Will I forgive myself? Will update again soon.